Hot Spiced Cider

"Where is all the knowledge we lost with information?" - T.S. Eliot

As each day passes, I've come more to terms with what's happening, but, more and more questions pop into my mind each day.

Why wasn't I given a real chance? Why is it so easy for him to do this? Why isn't he showing any emotions? Does this really not hurt him? Did almost nine years mean nothing to him? What's wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough? Do I deserve this for some reason? Does true love not exist? Does romance and finding your person only exist in the movies? When am I going to feel better? When will the pain go away? When will I love myself again?

Screw it.

I'm just going to say it, although I'm sure you've been able to figure it out by now.

Divorce.

That's what I'm going through.

About one month ago now, about mid-September, A decided he wanted a divorce. Sure, things hadn't been all rainbows and butterflies for some time, but I honestly didn't think it had come to this point. I always thought that if things got bad, we would have spoken about what was happening, maybe even do a trial separation if it was needed, before ever jumping to divorce.

My parents have been married since July 1980, dated for who knows how long before that, and that's what I grew up seeing and wanting... I mean, I even married in the Church (we're Catholic), and met the Pope, who gave us his blessing...

I just can't wrap my mind around things...

Every day is a struggle, mostly because I'm just broken, and I don't feel like I'm deserving of anything or anyone. I have my parents' support, which is a big plus right now in my life, but between A getting ready to move out, and putting our home for sale, starting the whole divorce process, and just trying to remain strong on the exterior... I'm just exhausted.

I want to just, be.

Soon, I guess...

I know it's a process, and I know I'll heal over time, and come out stronger...

Rome wasn't built in a day, right??

Hot Spiced Cider
adapted from: New Cook Book 14th Edition by Better Homes and Gardens

*makes: 8 drinks*

Ingredients:
64 oz 100% apple juice
1/8 cup packed dark brown sugar
1/8 cup packed light brown sugar
2 3" sticks cinnamon
1 tsp whole allspice
1 tsp whole cloves
1 tsp navel orange zest

Directions:
1) In a large sauce pan combine juice, brown sugars, cinnamon, allspice, cloves, and the orange zest.
2) Bring to boiling; reduce heat.
3) Simmer, covered, for 10 minutes.
4) Serve cider in mugs (and make sure to strain it as you serve).